Animals


A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh? What was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle!”
* * *
A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit “Don’t you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fir?” and the rabbit replies “No, not really.” So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.
* * *
This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, “None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?”
“Yes, I’m trying to break him of that habit”, replies the blind man.
“Well, it’s none of my business,” retorts the onlooker, “but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!” To which the blind fella chuckles, “Oh I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!”
* * *
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says “Sorry, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says “A Doberman Pinscher?” He says “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.” The guy at the door says “Come on in.” The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the heck”, so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says “Sorry, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says “A Chihuahua?” The guy with the Chihuahua says “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!”
* * *
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog says “This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?” “No,” says the psychic, “next term in her biology lesson.”
* * *
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
* * *
There’s two fish in a tank, one says to the other “Do you know how to drive this?”
* * *
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty , the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied “Oh no, that couldn’t be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie.”
* * *
A guy walks into a petstore. For the past two weeks he has suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot that can tell him what goes on at his housee during the day while he is at work. “Wel,”‘ says the petstore owner, “I only got one bird that can do that, but he’s got no legs.” The guy looks at him and says “Well if he ain’t got no legs, how’s he balance himself on the perch.” “He’s got a really long penis, so he wraps it around the perch.” The guy thinks it over and decides to buy the parrot. He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the perch for balance.
Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been cheating on him. Everytime the same answer “Raawk, nothing doing, Raawk”. One day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. “Raawk, big happenings, Raawk, big happenings.” “What happened?” asks the man. The parrot responds “Raawk, first your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast, raawk, then they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her shirt.” “And then what happens?!” asks the man really upset. “Raawk, I don’t know, thats when I got a woody and fell off my perch!”
* * *
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn’t complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying “It looks like you blew a seal.” Blushing, the penguin said “Oh, no! It’s just ice cream.”
* * *
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. Bob buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. After about a year and a half of Bob’s cow crapping in Bill’s yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill’s house. Bob runs over and demands to know what’s in the 18-wheeler. “My new pet elephant” Bill replies solemly.
* * *
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window. “Cow on the track!” replies the conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”
* * *
A man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn’t have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat.
Stewardess: “Are you OK, mister?”
Man: “Yes, I’m fine.”
Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements.
Stewardess: “Are you sure you’re all right, sir?”
Man: “Yes, but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.”
Stewardess: “I see. Well, as long as he’s housebroken, I guess it will be OK.”
Man: “Oh, he’s housebroken. The problem is, he’s not weaned yet!”
* * *
A fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you’re full of shit.
* * *
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes, man, I’ll go and kill my own croc!” to which the shopkeeper replied “By all means, just watch out for those two “ole boys” who are doing the same!”.
The man went out into the Bayou and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. “They must be the ‘ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”.
* * *
There’s a fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, an absolute pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says “OK for you.” He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws, and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s worried enough to open the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says “By the way, what did that chicken do to you?”
* * *
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars”. “Why does the parrot cost so much?” the customer asks. The owner says “It knows how to use a computer.” The customer asks about the next parrot and is told “That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told “That one costs 2,000 dollars.” Needless to say this begs the question “What can it do?!” The owner replies “To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!”

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