Business


A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
* * *
Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is working and no one knows why.
* * *
Two guys are talking while sitting on a bench in the park. “All of my ancestors followed the medical profession.” said the first. “Doctors?” queried the second. “Nope. Undertakers and lawyers.”
* * *
Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
* * *
The manager was very angry with this beginner who wanted a very high salary. He asked him why he wanted so much money whereas he had no experience. The beginner replied “Work is very difficult when you are a beginner. It becomes easier as you get experience.”
* * *
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help?” a secretary, walking by, asked. “Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?” “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. “Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”
* * *
Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
* * *
Innkeeper: “The room is $15 a night. It’s $5 if you make your own bed.”
Guest: “I’ll make my own bed.”
Innkeeper: “Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.”
* * *
Life Insurance Agent: “Don’t let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.”
* * *
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
* * *
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
* * *
My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on it’s back.
* * *
A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.
Supervisor: “Is it true that you called him a liar?”
Worker: “Yes, I did.”
Supervisor: “Did you call him stupid?”
Worker: “Yes.”
Supervisor: “And did you call him an opinionated, bullheaded egomaniac?”
Worker: “No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?”
* * *
“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?” “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”
* * *
A plumber was called to fix a pipe. He arrived, banged on the pipes for 15 minutes, and said to the homeowner well that’ll be $35. The homeownersaid “Thirty five dollars!!! Why that’s $140 per hour!!! I’m a lawyer and I only make $100 an hour!!!” The plumber replied “Yeah, that’s what I got when I was a lawyer.”
* * *
A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. “How can I help you?” asked the stylist. “I went for a hair transplant” the guy explained, “but I couldn’t stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I’ll pay you $5000.” “No problem,” said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head.
* * *
A man had dreamt all his life of going to Rome. He told his friend, the local barber, all about it one day while having his hair cut.
Barber: “How will you get there?”
Man: “I’m going on Alitalia.”
Barber: “No-not them, they have a terrible reputation. Where will you stay?”
Man: “At the Rome Hilton.”
Barber: “Forget it, I hear their hotel there is abysmal. When you get there what will you do?”
Man: “Why, I’m going to see the Pope.”
Barber: “Come on. Who are you? You’re not famous or well-known. Don’t be ridiculous!”
A month later the man returned to get his hair cut again.
Barber: “So, you never got to Rome, did you?”
Man: “Oh, yes, I did! Alitalia was a wonderful airline. And the Hilton hotel was magnificent. And I did get to see the Pope.”
Barber: “Well, what happened?”
Man: “I bent down to kiss the Pope’s ring.”
Barber: “You’re kidding! What did he say?”
Man: “He looked at me and said, `Son, where did you get that lousy haircut?'”
* * *
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.” The apprentice did just as he told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
* * *
An applicant was asked if he was familiar with any machines. He said “Four.” “That’s great. What are the four machines?” He said “Coke, coffee, candy, and cigarette.”
* * *
The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. “We make parts for microscopes. You’ll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick.” “I can handle it,” the applicant said, “I used to slice meat in a delicatessen.”

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