Computer


A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
Departmental Manager: “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”
Hardware Engineer: “No, that will take far too long and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way.”
Software Engineer: “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”
* * *
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: “Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS”.
“G.O.O.D” answered his wife.
* * *
The Programmers’ Cheer: “Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!”
* * *
“Have you heard about the object-orieented way to become wealthy?”
“No…”
“Inheritance.”
* * *
If you can touch it and you can see it, it’s REAL.
If you can touch it but you can’t see it, it’s TRANSPARENT.
If you can’t touch it but you can see it, it’s VIRTUAL.
If you can’t touch it and you can’t see it, it’s GONE.
* * *
If you can pick it up, it’s a PC.
If you can’t pick it up but you can push it over, it’s a minicomputer.
But when you can’t pick it up or knock it over, it’s a mainframe.
* * *
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1!!! F1!!!” and nobody understood it.
* * *
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He’d become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he’d wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting “I can’t believe it!” and “It’s a miracle!” and “He’s alive!”. There were cameras (unlike any he’d ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn’t contain his enthusiasm. “Is it over?” he asked. “Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions, and crises all over and done with?”
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack’s cryogenic receptacle, it hadn’t been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.
“That sounds terrific,” said Jack. “But I’m curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?”
“Well,” said the spokesman. “The year 10000 is just around the corner and it says in your files that you know COBOL”.
* * *
Dear Boss,
I hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?
* * *
APL is a write-only language.
* * *
In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.
* * *
C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.
* * *
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.
* * *
PL/I is for programmers who can’t decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran.
* * *
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, benchmarks.
* * *
A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?”
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amy” said the teacher. “What does your parent do, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy’s dad said “I’m actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
* * *
Unix is user friendly. It’s just very particular about who it’s friends are.
* * *
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I’d like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east.”
Genie: “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.”
Programmer: “Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs and let them ask sensible changes.”
Genie: “Uh, let me see that map again.”

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