Driving


One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, “What the heck are you doing? You’re going to get us killed!” Then the driver responded, “Don’t worry, my mother allways drives like this.”
So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, “I thought I told you, you’re gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!” The driver looked at the passenger and responded, “All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!”
Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. “What the hell are you doing?” The passenger screamed. “This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?” “Well, my mother might be coming the other way!” the driver said.
* * *
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”
“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.
“Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added “Ever catch all the fish?”
* * *
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “…and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass.”
* * *
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
* * *
A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
Guy: “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
Officer: “Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
Guy: “I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
Officer: “Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
Guy: “I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
Officer: “All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
Guy: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Officer: “Why not?”
Guy: “Because I’m drunk.”
* * *
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
Driver: “Why’d you do that?”
Trooper: “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”
Driver: “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
Passenger: “What’d you do that for?”
Trooper: “Just making your wishes come true.”
Passenger: “Huh?”
Trooper: “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say ‘I wish that sucker would’ve tried that shit with me!'”
* * *
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”
“Can’t,” replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”
* * *
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”
* * *
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
* * *
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.” “Well, show me,” the officer requested.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”
* * *
The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:
“I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”
He replied “No, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he’d said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

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