Medicine

Medicine

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

* * *

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

“Yes, of course…”

“Great! I never could before!”

* * *

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

* * *

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.”

Patient: “Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”

* * *

A man woke up one morning with a red ring around his penis. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.

The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit’s end because he wasn’t able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.

The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his penis before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.

The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they’re help.

As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?

The nurse replied, “Lipstick remover.”

* * *

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

* * *

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”

Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”

Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”

Patient: “24 hours! Thats terrible!!! What could be Worse?! What’s the very bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

* * *

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“10…” says the doctor.

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“10…9…8…7…”

* * *

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news – you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

* * *

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

Man: “What’s the matter with me?”

Doctor: “You’re not eating properly.”

* * *

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”

* * *

“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”

“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”

* * *

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”

He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”

The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”

He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

* * *

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

Doctor: “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”

Plumber: “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

* * *

A doctor said to his car mechanic, “Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”

“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.”

* * *

The seven-year old girl told her mom “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

* * *

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”

“And did he?”

“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

* * *

A fellow walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor said, “Where?”

He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

* * *

If it is dry – add moist; if it is moisten – add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.

* * *

Patient: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”

Eye doctor: “Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”

* * *

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”

The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?” and the man replies, “No, just spots.”

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