Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the  cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there,  Nancy?”  “My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking  up,” and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,   “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.”

Go on, tell them

This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr …. about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can’t say that.

Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room – much laughter). Good one

Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line,say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question.

How long did it go for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That’s close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.

Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the arse!

Instant Radio Silence. Advert.

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we’re going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We’ve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we’ll take a music break.

 Forbidden love

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that….

Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn’t resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on, as did their growing passion…. There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong… their families would not understand … but… so consumed in their passion, they didn’t hear the door open… the click of the light switch … the power was back on, and………….

 Anniversary

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess   after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we’ve been together.”

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

Religious philosophies of the world in a nutshell

Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: shit won’t happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: if shit happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: shit happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this shit!

Pay attention

“Are You Paying Attention?” A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.”  At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.

After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index.”

Indecent Proposal

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, “Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn’t know for one million dollars?”

She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and then
replies,”Yes, I would sleep with a man I don’t know for a million dollars.”

The man then asks,”Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?”

Insulted, the woman replies, “Of course not!! How could you ask me such a thing?”

The man states, “Well, we’ve already established the fact that you’re a whore. Now I’m just haggling over the price.”

What Men Really Mean.

“I’m going fishing.”
Really means…
“I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“Woman driver.”
Really means…
“Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…
“There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really means…
Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.

“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
Really means…
“She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means…
“I have no idea how it works.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means…
“I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means…
“It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”

“That’s women’s work.”
Really means…
“It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“Go ask your mother.”
Really means…
“I am incapable of making a decision.”

“I do help around the house.”
Really means…
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“I can’t find it.”
Really means…
“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

You’re next

When I was younger I hated going to weddings…it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Anyone for a drink?

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conferencing.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman. “In ‘Strailya?, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate.”

Rob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next. “In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all – gimme a Bud”.

Hans steps up next “In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers.”

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, CEO of Guinness, steps forward. “Barman, give me a coke with ice please”.

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks, “Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?”

Patrick replies “Well, if you bastards aren’t drinking, then neither am I.”

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