Those 4 Letter Words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well, how was the honeymoon?” asked the mother.

“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He’s been saying things I’ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mama!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed! They’re just too awful! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mama!”

“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”

Still sobbing, the bride replied, “Oh, mama…words like dust, wash, iron, and cook…”

Sex Therapist

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person’s smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

“Twice a day,” the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. “Once a day, then?” Again the answer is no. “Twice a week?” “No.” “Twice a month?” “No.” The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to “once a year”.

The therapist is angry that his theory isn’t working, and asks the man, “What the heck are you so happy about?”

The man answers, “Tonight’s the night!”

Fluffy Toys

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill – there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they’ve had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, “So, how was I ?”

She replied, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

Viagra Wasted?

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, “I’ll be home in an hour.”
“Perfect,” she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour and a half.”

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I do?” he asks.
The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?”
“Yes” the man replied.

“Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper…”

Lawyer Waiting In Line

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?”

“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

Women Came First

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?”, comes the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball
about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

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